Ahh Tumblr. It’s been a while. How you been?
Sooner or later, and hopefully sooner rather than later.. I’ll have to start living a ‘sober’ life. As much as I love smoking mary jane, and how it keeps me in a chilled, thoughtful state, I know it isn’t doing me any good. And after nearly 10 years of smoking it daily, I’n gonna have some serious adjustments to make whilst once again physically being in the middle of life, not just witnessing it in a constant haze. And that kinda scares me. Get ready World, cos Imma comin’… Slowly.
rant.
So fucking pissed off.. Told nearly TWO years ago I was getting promoted, worked my ass off every single day, filled in a file the size of 3 ready to go on a course that was supposed to happen in January, only to now be told the course is on the 6th of March, and because of the lack of booking and diligence of certain people, I now have to await the new files to come in because “they’re so much better and you’ll learn so much more…” And considering I can do the job better than even some managers, and not getting paid close to what they are, I think it’s an absolute piss take. Time for a new job? Hell fucking yes. Don’t particularly like getting taken for a ride…
I hate the fact that I haven’t spoken to you in months, and the last time we did actually talk it was more of an argument. And even though I wanna get over you, I can’t. I guess that’s just the way it is. I keep wanting to write to you, tell you that I miss you, I just wanna talk about crap, as long as it’s with you. The truth is I’ve never ever been as happy as I was with you, not since my mum died anyway. Even though everything was settled, I felt so free and able, and no obstacle was an issue, we got through them together.
I keep seeing star wars trailers, one f the many daily things that pop up that remind me of you. An for a second I get excited and can’t wait to talk to you. And then it hits me like a ton of bricks that I can’t. Not because I won’t make that step, but because I know it’ll hurt not getting even the smallest of replies. I hate the fact that you’ve managed to keep such a hold on me, even if you aren’t around, physically. You’re in another town, far away from me, and yet you’re there with everything I do.
I can’t even play a simple game without thinking of how we used to play it together, or we’d have squishies and you’d watch me play. I can’t live life, the way I lived it with you, because you’ve gone, because I wasn’t the one you wanted to live life with. And now that i’ve had that taste, i can’t settle for any less, with anyone less.
Even though the days turned into weeks, and these weeks turn into months, there’s still the littlest sense that you’ll start to see clearly and come back to me. And let it be us against the world, how it was always meant to be.
